Gary's Father Ted Quotes Page

Father Ted

A page of brilliant quotes from the top show!

You may wish to print or save this page as it is rather long!

Why don't you read them? Ah go on. Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on,
GO ON!!!

Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel
scrabble for when we were travelling, and the normal scrabble for when we
arrived!

Dougal: Ah,no,wait a minute....now that I think of it I didn't bring either of
them! God , I'm an awful eejit!

EOIN MCLOVE- What if the old one says something, and I don't know what to say back?
PATSY- Oh, I don't know (Looks exasparated)

DOUGAL- God Ted, it's like a big tide of jam commin towards us, except itsa big jam made out of old women.

DOUGAL- Father Stone's been in there a long time. Do you think he's dead?
TED- Dougal! No, they're probably just... keeping him in for tests.
DOUGAL- What kind of tests? General Knowledge?
TED- No, medical tests!
DOUGAL- Sure, what would Father Stone know about that?

POLICEMAN- It's a straight choice father. Either they pay the 200 pound fine, or it's a night in
the cells
TED- Well, priests don't usually carry that sort of money on them,
and under the circumstances, I think a night cells might be a better option
POLICEMAN- (Nods his head)
DOUGAL- Ted....
TED- Shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- No Ted....
TED- I told you to shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- I was just
going to say that....
TED- Alright! Alright! Here! (pulls out the money)
Here's your blood money.But let me tell you this! There used to be a time when
the police of thiscountry were friends of the church! Drink driving charges
quashed, parkingtickets ripped up, even the blind eye turned to the odd murder!
But now!(Turns to Dougal) And you! (Mocking Dougal) Ted Ted why don't you give
him the 200 pounds you won on the bet! Well i did! Are you happy? Once again,
you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of many people. Thank youso
much.
DOUGAL- Ehh, Right. To be honest Ted, i forgot you had the money. I was
just going to say that your that your fly is open.

DOUGAL- Ahh, lets see,
I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips, and a glass of Coke thanks.
POLICEMAN- Do you know where you are? Your in a police station.
DOUGAL- Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken.

TED- Eoin, did you come with those suitcases?
EOUIN- No. These are yours. But I saw a lot of stuff that i liked, and I'm taking them with me.
DOUGAL- Oh, that's very cheeky

TED- (After singing 'My Lovely Horse') So what did you think about it ingeneral, then?
Father Jack pulls out a shotgun and shoots Ted's Guitar
TED- Right.

DOUGAL- God Ted, Jacks been alseep good long time. Do you think he's dead again?
TED- No Dougal. Look at Jack. Look at that steely determination. And.... Oh my god, I've just realised
Jacks been asleep for 14 days!They run to Jacks chair.
TED- Oh my God (pulls out a bottle) He's drunken a whole bottle of dreamysleepy nighty snoozy
snooze!

DOUGAL- God Ted, I can't wait for the footy season, to run out on
the field and do physio type things with the magic sponge
TED- Dougal, do know
what the magic sponge actually does?
DOUGAL- It soaks up....Germs!
JACK- (after sobering up, points at Sister Mary) Nan!
TED- No jack, she's a nun.
JACK- NUN! AHHHH!!!! (Jack then runs through the window)
TED- He's just gone for his morning walk.

DOUGAL- I know! Well lure them into a
giant bingo game!
TED- And how are we going to do that?
DOUGAL- We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and......oh.
TED- Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Orbingo balls. Or a PA
system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphinalia at all.
DOUGAL- Damn. So near, yet so far.

DOUGAL- Look, this tables so dirty I can write my name in it
TED- There's a 'G' in Dougal
DOUGAL- Where?

DOUGAL- Good news Ted! I think he's just pulled up! And the good news is,
that he can only afford a crappy blue Ford Cortina. Ha! Just imagine driving
around in that thing.
TED- That's MY car.

DOUGAL- Now, think hard Ted. Where's the last place that you'd think I'd
put the rabbits?
TED- Well, now when I think about, I'd have to say, Bishop Brennans room
DOUGAL- Bingo! I put the rabbits in the last place he'd think of them! His
own room! he'll never find them there!

DOUGAL- God Ted, it's like a big tide of jam commin
towards us, except its a big jam made out of old women.

DOUGAL- I'm not good at judging the size of crowds,
but I'd say there's about 17 Million of them out there.

Fr. Stack: While you were out, I got the keys to your car. And drove it into a big wall. And if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all that matters.

Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: We're in Ireland's largest lingerie department
Dougal: No. I mean in general.

Ted: Dougal, do we have any incense?
Dougal: (uncertainly) There was.. a spider in the bath the other night....

Fr. Stack: You're sittin' there, watching those young boys in shorts. With a big smile on your face. Ye daerty feckers.

Ted : So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal : Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted : Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal : ...Oh right, yes.

Ted : Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal : Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.

Father Fitzpatrick: And this is the last known photo of Herr Hitler; he's signing a few death warrants there.
Ted: Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older!

Bishop Brennan: You will address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Father Fitzpatrick: You left the cyanide capsules next to the Valium, you old fool. That's just asking for trouble!

Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that feller who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?

Dougal: I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there

Dougal: It's like a great big tide of jam. But jam made out of... old women.

Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.

You'd better get going, because milk gets sour. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that. Because it's shite.

Ted: Once again Dougal, you've made me look like a complete fool in front of real people. Thanks very much.
Dougal: To be honest Ted, I forgot you had the money. I was just going to tell you... your fly's open.

Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'

Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.

Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.

Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?

Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.
Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!
Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are you?
Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!

Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together we'd get....Pat Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.

Mrs Doyle: Pat was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.
Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't.

Ted: Sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, instinctively travel north, where it's colder, and they won't be so stuffy.

Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.

Mrs Doyle: I'm so excited. Taking on three bishops all at once. I can't wait.

Dougal: How did the sergeant catch Father Jack at all?
Ted: Well, Dougal. He's an elderly priest driving a Flymo at 2 miles per hour around the island. How hard could it be?

Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.

Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Dougal: Jack? Scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted!

Dougal: Ted, will you look at this table. It's so dirty I could write me name in it.
Ted: (peering at table) There's a G in 'Dougal'.
Dougal: Where?

Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...
...More drink!

Polly Clarke: My husband. Now there was a man who really was afraid of Virginia Woolf.
Ted: Why? Was she... following him or something?

Dougal: Aah! Brilliant. A load of people in a stable! It's the one thing I didn't expect.

Ted: So... let me get this straight. You were up on an old man, riding him around and whipping him. For an hour.
Dougal: Yes.
Ted: You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?

Fr. Stack: While you were out, I got the keys to your car. And drove it into a big wall. And if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all that matters.

Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: I think Ted has a plan
Dougal: No. I mean in general.

Father Brendan: God Ben I'm such an eejit - I've put the shorts - on me head !

Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !

John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary: You and Father Ted?
Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal: Retired from what?
John: From the police.
Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal: Great, bye now.

Dougal: C'mere Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted. God, I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy!

Ted: So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal: Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted: Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.

"I won't be happy until the last rabbit round here is the one inside your head, working the controls!"

Ted: Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal: Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.

Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!

Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and "Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the "F" word!

Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!

Jack: (after sobering up) YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Ted: That's a spoon, Father

Dougal: I'll have them Mrs Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I'm going to turn into a big giant egg.
Ted: I think that process has already begun.

Ted: His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Ted: The holy stone... It must be even holier than we thought. Perhaps it's something to do with that fellow who came over from England last year. He touched it - and he grew a beard!
Dougal: Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class 1.
Ted: Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people back to life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very rare.

Dougal: Well, who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about that?
Ted: Dougal, they're bishops!
(pause)
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.

Ted: I think it might work, Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work.
Dougal: It won't work, will it Ted?
Ted: ...It won't, no.

Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far away...

Father Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.

Ted: Dougal, you can't go around wearing an earring.
Dougal: But Father Damo has one!
Ted: Oh I see, so did Father Damo give you the idea?
(Dougal nods)
Ted: Honestly, Dougal, what next? Will he be giving you crack cocaine or something?
Dougal: Crack cocaine! Now come on, Ted.
(Dougal looks very shifty)

Ted: Honestly, Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?
Dougal: You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike - I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while... it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills... But I could give it up! Any time I wanted!
Ted: You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't.
Dougal: (falling to his knees and weeping) You're right, Ted, I admit I've got a problem...

Ted: You know the phrase 'to take care of something'? Well, I realise now that you meant that in a sort of Al Pacino way. Whereas I was thinking more along the lines of Julie Andrews.

Mrs Doyle: Oh - by the way, Bishop Brennan, your car's parked outside.
Bishop Brennan: I know. I parked it there myself.
Mrs Doyle: Well, if you're looking for the windscreen wipers they're in the kitchen.
The bishop looks puzzled and worried.
Mrs Doyle: I thought they needed a little wash. The only trouble is... I broke the side window as I was snapping them off.
Bishop Brennan: Leave my car alone and don't touch it again!
Mrs Doyle: Right you are Bishop. Oh! Just one thing - is your car petrol or diesel?
Bishop Brennan: Leave it alone Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: (laughing) Oh no, Your Grace, this is just curiosity. Is it petrol or...?
Bishop Brennan: It's diesel, it's diesel!
Mrs Doyle: Oh right. So it'd do a terrible amount of damage if I was to put petrol in it?
Bishop Brennan: Yes. It would completely ruin the car's engine.
Mrs Doyle: Oooh! Well! (hysterical laughter) I certainly won't be doing that then! (turns to leave with a look of horror and guilt on her face)

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Dedicated to the memory of Dermot Morgan, but we won't be giving any proceeds to his family! (Refer to Series 2-Eurosong Edition)